How to Improve Your Mindset After a Divorce

By Leah Jones on October 13, 2022

Divorce is a form of trauma, and this can cause your mind and body to go into stress mode by default.

So how can you help your body and mind work together to de-stress and thrive after a divorce?

In this week’s episode, Leah Jones will be joined by Sharri Freedman to address the key components to successfully move forward before, during, and after divorce.

As a Certified Divorce Coach and Certified Mind Magic Master Practitioner (CMMMP)

Sharri will be sharing her legal wisdom and experience with thought work and mind body connection all with a trauma informed approach.

Sharri will discuss:

• How mind magic can help clients improve communication and heal
• The tools listeners can use to thrive after the trauma of a divorce
•  Why she decided to become a CMMMP, what it is and how its helps her clients move forward before or after a divorce
• The connection between mind, body and grief after a divorce and how listeners can improve their new norm
• ….And so much more!

Resources:

• Potomac Coaching, LLC

Connect With Sharri Freedman:

• Sharri@Potomaccoaching.com

Connect With Leah:

leah.jones@hightoweradvisors.com  

https://bethesda.hightoweradvisors.com/index.html

LinkedIn: Leah Jones

301-202-3590

Schedule a Call with Leah:

https://go.oncehub.com/LeahJones

About Our Guest:

Sharri Freedman received her Juris Doctorate from The American University, Washington College of Law and her BA from Tulane University, Newcomb College. She is Licensed to practice law in both Maryland and D.C., and has practiced family law for seventeen years. During that time, she handled contentious custody and child support cases, as well as cases involving complex property and alimony issues.

Sharri obtained her divorce coaching certification through the CDC College for Divorce Coaching® and as the owner of Potomac Coaching, LLC, she works with clients all over the country providing personal divorce guidance and support. Her most recent certification, is the title of Certified Mind Magic Master Practitioner, (CMMMP).

Publishing Tags:

Her Divorce Source, Hightower Bethesda, Leah Jones, Divorce support, Divorce Recovery, Divorce Coach, Life after divorce, Trauma Healing

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Leah Jones: [00:00:00] Has divorce become a reality? And you are asking yourself, now what? If you have questions about your new life, you’re in the right place. Her divorce source with Leah Jones is the go-to podcast for women before, during, and after a divorce. Join me, Leah Jones, a certified divorce financial analyst at Hightower Bethesda.

As I help you envision and create a new life that’s full of possibilities, empowerment, and freedom. I’ll tackle your concerns about lifestyle and money giving you practical guidance you can use right away. Now, let’s get started.

Patrice Sikora: Your mind and your body aren’t always in agreement. And that may cause excessive stress and even illness. How can you help them work together and thrive after a divorce? Leah’s guest has some suggestions. Sharri Freedman was an attorney specializing in family law and was always interested in finding a better way for individuals to [00:01:00] experience divorce.

She turned her focus towards divorce coaching and is always looking for ways to support her clients and help them rebuild. Today’s show, we’ll focus on mind body connections, mind set and healthy grieving. Leah,

Leah Jones: thanks so much for joining me today, Sharri.

Sharri Freedman: Thank you for having me.

Leah Jones: So, what I would love to kind of open up the show with is just a little bit more about you and your background because it’s so interesting, kind of where you started and where you are now and your path to getting there.

So just talk to our listeners a little bit about this.

Sharri Freedman: Yeah, thank you. So, I am currently exclusively practicing as a certified divorce coach. But I began my career as a divorce professional 29 years ago as a family law attorney. And I still hold my attorney license, but I am not actively practicing law.

So, I work as a [00:02:00] certified divorce coach, and I have also been certified in high conflict coaching, pre-mediation coaching. I’m trained as a mediator and a collaborative divorce professional, and my most recent certification, which I am most excited about and to share with you and your listeners today is the official title is, Certified Mind Magic Master Practitioner, CMMMP, for short.

But what that really means is it allows me to combine my legal wisdom and experience with thought work and mind body connection with a trauma informed approach, which helps clients plan, improve communication and heal, which are the key components to successfully moving forward before, during, and after divorce.

Leah Jones: Wow. And just for our listeners, one more time, can you repeat the name of that accreditation?

Sharri Freedman: Sure. It’s CMM [00:03:00] MP, which stands for Certified Mind Magic Master Practitioner.

Leah Jones: Okay. I like it. So, tell us more about Mind Magic. I mean, I’m already intrigued just with the name.

Sharri Freedman: Yeah, it’s an incredible, incredible framework.

I actually went through it as a student of the work, and as soon as I learned about it, I knew I needed to be certified in it because it is the missing piece for so many people who are thinking about divorce in the middle of divorce or already divorced, but dealing with co-parenting issues or just figuring out, you know, who am I now that I’m no longer married?

So, what it does is it takes the thought work, right? The things we think, the feelings that we have that drive our actions and then create our results. And also, I work a lot on that somatic work, which is the mind body connection because your body [00:04:00] keeps this worth. And if you are not creating safety in your system, in your nervous system, all the positive thought work and mindset work and affirmations in the world are not going to allow you to thrive.

Leah Jones: That’s so interesting. So, if somebody is listening who this might be appropriate for is someone who is doing that. Like they’re, you know, maybe they’re working with a therapist, maybe they’re doing positive affirmations, they’re trying to do the mind work, but they’re just still not feeling good.

Like, they don’t feel like they’re thriving and so, is that the type of person that this type of therapy would work with?

Sharri Freedman: So, it’s not therapy. So just to clarify, I’m not a therapist. I do not have a mental health background and many of my clients work with therapists. So, it’s a really nice compliment.

In fact, the other day one of my clients [00:05:00] commented that she shared with a friend that the reason that she loves working with me is because I’m part energy healer, part legal expert, all rolled into one. And I thought that was a really interesting and kind of a unique way to explain kind of what I do.

Really it’s for anyone who is stuck in, who feels maybe stuck, who feels like they’re not moving forward and because I’m trauma informed, which means I understand the presence of past trauma and how to use it as a guide for resilience and to help clients move forward, it’s a really important piece to have because divorce in and of itself is a trauma, and most of us have experienced trauma.

Either Big T or little T. In fact, I would say all of us have experienced trauma due to covid. So, every single person who comes to me has experienced a trauma, whether it’s a big T trauma or a little [00:06:00] T trauma. And so this work helps really anyone who is trying to move forward and be the best version of themselves, but who is constantly being hooked by either a very high conflict X or

Disempowering beliefs and thoughts and emotions that come from childhood all the way up until the present.

Leah Jones: That’s really helpful. Thanks for just kind of framing it and for also, you know, drawing basically the connection of what this is and what it isn’t. I think that’s really useful for our listeners.

So, what should people know about Mind Body Connections?

Sharri Freedman: Great question. So, it’s really important to understand your body. Right? Your nervous system is not [00:07:00] wired to be in survival mode all of the time, that fight, flight, or freeze. Right? But all too often we are on autopilot kind of sleepwalking.

We don’t even realize that that’s where we are, right? We’re living in default of stress and pressure, and it just becomes the norm. We don’t even realize that that’s where we are, right? It’s just bubbling below the surface and it just becomes our default, which is not how we’re wired to be, right?

We’re not supposed to be in that stress. We’re not supposed to have that cortisol running through our body all of the time. It’s meant for those instant moments when we needed to have that fight or flight right back, back in caveman times. But now we don’t need to have that all the time.

So, I’d love to share this little story that kind of illustrates what I’m talking about. So, there are two young fish swimming in the ocean and an [00:08:00] older fish passes them by going in the other direction and the older fish says, hello boys, how’s the water? And the two young fish just nod and keep on swimming.

and a little way down the way one fish turns to the other and says, what the hell is water? Right. It’s funny, but it really drives home how we don’t even realize what we’re swimming in.

Leah Jones: Yeah. I think probably anyone that is listening can relate to that because you are right. We kind of live in this constant state, and when something is so constant, it becomes the norm, even if it shouldn’t be.

Sharri Freedman: Right. Correct. Correct. It’s correct. It becomes familiar to your system, right? And then when you want to change it when divorce occurs, whether you have decided to be the one to initiate or whether you know it’s thrust [00:09:00] upon you. There’s change and your system, it feels very unfamiliar to your system.

And so your system is going to respond by trying to protect you, by trying to keep you safe. And safe equals same. So, then the stress and the pressure and the walking on eggshells, right? All of that is your norm. That’s what your body registers as familiar as safe. Even if it is uncomfortable, it’s more comfortable than the unknown.

So, the work that I do is helping clients acclimate to their new normal. To create that safety in their system so they can move forward, so they can release the past in order to move forward without their system reacting in a way to keep them where they are.

Leah Jones: That’s so interesting because it’s [00:10:00] counterintuitive.

I think people think to themselves, depending on where they are in the divorce process, they’re thinking to themself, you know, how do I cope with this? How do I best deal with it? And then for them to kind of be thrown into a higher stress situation naturally by their body, because that’s what they’re used to.

I just think that is very counterintuitive. Like most people probably don’t realize that even if they are trying to, you know, do yoga or, you know, do things to try to bring themselves out of it, it seems like the body is automatically throwing them back into that state. So, my next question, and I think this is what everybody would love to know, is how, how does one thrive given this kind of situation that your body puts itself.

Sharri Freedman: So, another great question. [00:11:00] The key is awareness, right? Just being aware, like, oh, okay, now I see. Now I see that I was walking, you know, I was on default, autopilot sleep, walking through life, not even realizing that that’s where I was. And once you see, you can’t unsee. So just awareness and then creating safety in your system.

So, creating that vision of where you want to go, what you want your life to look like, and then doing the work to feel and think like that woman in your vision before you’re actually there. So, because the thoughts create your feelings. Your feelings drive your behaviors, your behaviors create your results, which affirm the thought,

and that’s the thought loop. So, when you get stuck in a negative thought loop, it’s why you keep going round and round and round in that negative thought loop. And what I show clients is how they can, at any point in that thought loop, re-engineer it. If you want to feel a different [00:12:00] feeling, what you have to do to do that,

if you need to do it, behave differently if you want a different result or have a different thought. And so, it all works in tandem.

Leah Jones: Are there any other kind of suggestions that you give to clients regarding, you know, basically how they can thrive?

Sharri Freedman: So, also just connecting to the body. So, several ways that you can do that.

Breathing techniques, there’s a 4, 4, 4 breathing. There’s a 4, 7, 8 breathing. There’s lots of information around breathing. If you do yoga, you probably have been exposed to doing some of the breathing. Breathing is a key component to regulating your nervous system. It keeps you grounded. Tapping is another wonderful tool.

I love Brad Yates. He is like the guru. You can find YouTube videos, free YouTube [00:13:00] videos, tapping and how to tap. Also, the Tapping Solution is a great app. They have a free version that walks you through guided tapping, going out, nature, just, you know, interrupting your day and going outside and breathing fresh air and having the sun on your face.

And, getting barefoot and walking in the grass just really helps to connect yourself and ground yourself. So those are great ways to connect with your body.

Leah Jones: I like that your voice is very calming. So, when you talk about being barefoot in the grass I like want to go outside and walk in the grass. 

Sharri Freedman: You should go do it.

Leah Jones: Maybe I will. Even though it’s a little cold right now. It is a little chilly. It will wake me up, right? Okay, so let’s talk a little bit about grief, Because I know this is important to this whole process as well. So, what should a healthy grieving [00:14:00] process look like?

Sharri Freedman: So, grief is different for everyone, but one of the things that I think is really important for your listeners to understand is that divorce is a death.

It’s a death of the marriage. There’s so much loss, right? The loss of the nuclear family, loss of time with your children, loss of your hopes and dreams, relationships with extended family, with friends. There’s so much loss, and yet society doesn’t rally around those going through divorce like they do when someone dies.

So often you feel alone and isolated. When you’re not even ready to move forward, you need to begin to start making important decisions. So, with death, it’s often suggested not to make any major decisions for at least a year. But with divorce, you’re often thrust [00:15:00] into a situation where you must make major decisions

before that year has passed, before you’ve had time to mourn and grieve. So, this is why it’s so important to be able to recognize your emotions. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel so you can come to a mediation, come to a settlement table, go to litigation, be in that courtroom and have clarity and be not emotionless.

Understand that the emotions are there and be able to manage and deal with them in a healthy way.

Leah Jones: And I think one thing that, that you had said to me, Sherry, that really kind of resonated is that your body keeps score. So, if you don’t take the time to heal and grieve years later, you’ll kind of still wonder why you’re still angry or resentful, or maybe you’re like repeating [00:16:00] patterns.

And I think that really kind of goes with everything else you said, which is that although we want to get over things and we want to move on with our lives, there’s a process to do.

Sharri Freedman: Absolutely 100%. And it’s why the statistics for second, third, and fourth divorce is right rising, that the percentage, the success of a marriage, third, fourth, second, third, fourth marriage,

because people don’t spend that time, they don’t grieve, they don’t heal. And so, they enter into new relationships without being healed and we’re never fully healed. But without going through the grieving process, without mourning, it will pop up. It will just come. You’re right, the body keeps score so you can, you know, buffer it away by, you know, thrusting yourself into work or a new relationship, or sometimes food or alcohol.

We buffer it away, so we don’t have to feel those uncomfortable feelings, but [00:17:00] then they pop up when we least expect them.

Leah Jones: On that we want to avoid, we’d like to avoid that. Yeah. By doing the hard work upfront. Right?

Sharri Freedman: Absolutely. And, it’s work and it’s work that never stops. It’s kind of like lifting weights.

You don’t go to the gym and lift weights for two weeks and begin to tone your muscles and then stop and expect your muscles to stay toned, right? It’s like it’s your mindset muscle. And so, all of these tools and things that I teach my clients, they’re tools that they have for a lifetime, they can use these tools in any situation, any circumstance, because the outside

world doesn’t have to impact your internal world. And once you learn how to do this, it is magical, hence mind magic. And also, what really kind of lights me up is I am seeing the impact [00:18:00] this has on generations. The tools I give my clients, they share with their children who might be struggling with transitions or just dealing with the, you know, two household families.

And so they are able to use some of these tools with their children and now their children have these tools so that they can deal with their emotions and how they think and feel as they move forward. And it’s, to me, that impact is what drives me to continue to work with families and continue to share this.

Leah Jones: That’s awesome Sherry, and I’m so glad to hear that there’s nothing better than seeing good results from the work that you do, the hard work you do. So, tell our listeners about what you’re currently working on.

Sharri Freedman: Yes, I am super excited about the newest offer that I have, which is a six week happiest holiday ever experience, and it’s going to be really [00:19:00] amazing.

The group aspect will allow like-minded women to share perspective and build connection during a season when many feel lost and alone. And the tools and support and accountability that you’ll have will transform a ho hum holiday into the happiest holiday ever. So, I’m really, really excited about this program.

It’s going to allow me to use my legal wisdom and experience, and also infuse all of the great mind magic framework that I’ve recently learned and provide tools for families, not just the people participating, to have the happiest holiday ever.

Leah Jones: I think that that is a phenomenal idea. And I know from, you know, working with a lot of divorcing women that the holidays is one of the most challenging, one of the most kind of depressing times.

And so, you know, what a better time to try to reframe and, you know, do some work on yourself [00:20:00] and hopefully come out with a better perspective. So, I think this sounds like a great offering. How does somebody get in touch with you, Sharri?

Sharri Freedman: They can go to my website, which is potomaccoaching.com, or they can email me at sharripotomaccoaching.com.

Leah Jones: Awesome. Well, Sherry, I think you walked us through a lot. I know I had never heard about mind magic, but I myself am very interested in it. I see so many applications. I know we’re talking specifically about divorce today, but I think there’s a lot of applications like you mentioned, everybody has different levels of trauma that you’re basically going through on a daily basis, and, you know, your body and your mind and your nervous system and all these things are so interconnected with how you feel on a day-to-day basis.

I think that this is a great conversation to be had and just being aware that this connection exists, how it makes you [00:21:00] feel, how it affects you. How you can’t avoid a healthy grieving process as much as we would like to be able to tell people that you can’t. And then just, you know, some techniques for what you can do with your body.

I would totally agree on the breathing. I’ve used tapping as well and these are both easy techniques that you can refer to at any time. There’s nothing holding you back from doing it. So, I think this was all a lot of really great information and thanks so much for joining us today. Oh, you’re very welcome.

Sharri Freedman: And if I could just add one thing that you kind of reminded me of is that I would like to remind your listeners of, which is, you know, divorce is painful and pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Leah Jones: I like it. Perfect way, perfect quote to end this podcast. As always, if you want to get a hold of me, Leah Jones, you can reach out to me through the hightowerbethesda.com website [00:22:00] and my email address is leah.jones@hightoweradvisors.com.

Thanks so much for listening.

Patrice Sikora: Follow this podcast and listen as Leah’s guests offer helpful and insightful information on the many aspects of divorce. And if you learn something new, share the podcast with others. Thanks for being with us.

Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Her Divorce Source with Leah Jones from Hightower Bethesda. Don’t forget to follow the podcast to be notified whenever a new episode is released.

Hightower LLC as an SEC registered Investment Advisor. Securities offered through Hightower Securities LLC, member finra, SIPC. This podcast was created for informational purposes only in the opinions expressed here, or solely those of the authors, and do not represent those of Hightower Advisors, LLC, or any of its affiliates.